You fell in love. Madly. Maybe for the first time in your life. You thought this person was your one and only. Your best match. Your soul mate. But they don’t want to be with you. Or they did – but then they changed their mind and broke up with you.
You were hurt. Heartbroken. Devastated. You couldn’t think about anything else but him/her. The only thing that was on your mind is how to get them back. Nothing else mattered.
Sounds familiar? Oh yes, I think we’ve all been there at least once. I for sure have been there… well, multiple times :)
When you are in that situation you tend to have tunnel vision – you can’t imagine simply moving on with your life. You can’t see your life functioning as it used to if you’re not around this person. All you want is to find a way to get them back. Even if they don’t want it. Oh no, you think – he doesn’t see how great we can be together. I’ll show him. She’ll fall for me if only I get another chance to explain it to her.
It’s possible your loved one is living in denial and deep down they are so in love with you only they don’t know it. Well, it is theoretically possible – but how many times has it happened to you? Or someone you know? How many times have you been in love with someone… and you didn’t know it?
Zero, right?
If you want to get over someone who has left or rejected you, the first thing you have to do is face reality: they are not into you. If they were, they’d be here right now. If you two were such a great match, they would be in it as much as you are. And if you were meant to be together, you would absolutely be together.
You have to acknowledge this to heal your heart as fast as possible. Do it, even though it hurts. Living in denial can only feel good for a short while. You’re allowed to feel bad about it, and grieve your loss. Let yourself be angry, sad or disappointed. Eat a bucket of ice-cream for breakfast. Watch romance movies and cry for 8 hours straight. Stay in bed all weekend. Call in sick and stay at home for a week. It’s OK to not be your usual self for a while. After all, you aren’t your usual self. You are heartbroken. This is a serious emotional trauma.
But it’s better to go through this pain now than postpone it for later and live in false hope. That will only prolong your agony, not make it go away. The person who rejected you has a mind of their own, and you can’t change it by force. Or even gentle persuasion. They are exercising their free will, and unless they choose you, you’ll have to walk away.
If you still think they are the best thing that has ever happened to you, and you’ll never find someone who can match them, you can do another reality check – make a list of all the things you didn’t like, you argued about, things that made you feel uncomfortable, their words, opinions and behaviours that hurt you. Make a list of good stuff too, for comparison. Once you see it on paper it might be easier to see why you didn’t work out. And you’ll see they are not that perfect as your selective memory suggests.
This is particularly important if you are constantly comparing every new date to your lost love. If you have them in your mind as this flawless person who never did anything wrong, it’s no wonder you can’t find someone who’ll compare. Make that list and take them of their pedestal, and you’ll see there are plenty of other amazing people out there. Not the same as your ex love, but equally amazing.
And last, but not least – you have to go get your life back. Once you’ve done the crying, start living again. Go out with people who care for you. Make your life fun and fulfilled again, just do things that make you happy, with people who make you happy. It’s the best recipe to feel loved again, and the best way to invite someone who’ll want and appreciate what you have to offer into it.
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