1. You Watch People’s Words and Actions towards You like a Hawk
Everyone wants to feel loved and understood.
What causes low self-esteem in most people? You often question other people’s feelings,
words and actions toward you.
You have a certain negative belief of yourself—that you’re
unworthy and unlovable. And you go out of your way to observe others around
you. You pay attention to their tone of voice, choice of words, mannerisms and
mentally keep score of how they treat you.
Of course, your conclusions usually confirm the worst about
yourself. But how can you be so sure of your conclusions if it’s all in your
head?
You won’t learn how to overcome low self esteem unless you talk to
the people you’re observing. Ask them, “What do you think of me?” or something
specific, “What do you think of (your actions/appearance/)?
2. You Compare Yourself To Everyone, Even If There’s Nothing To Compare
You have a habit of comparing yourself to others: your siblings,
parents, boss, colleagues, classmates, friends, and even random strangers.
While there’s nothing wrong with this, excessive and unfair
comparison will just bruise your already fragile ego.
Resist the urge to compare your chapter 1 to someone else’s
chapter 20. Even if you share the same age or background, you still don’t know
everything about them. Tons of unseen variables are at play here, so
comparing yourself to them is useless.
Next time you catch yourself comparing, redirect your focus to
your own journey. Consider these questions:
·
“Where am I now?”
·
“Why am I comparing myself with this
person?”
·
“Is there a concrete basis for my
comparisons?”
You get defensive of everything.
A coworker asks you a question about the project you’re working
on, so you answer him. When you hear a “no” or a “but” from him, you clam up.
You sob and cry in the bathroom stall, whining about your mean coworkers. Why
are they picking on you?
You get in a row with your friends when they criticize the guy
you’re going out with. Then you cry at night before sleeping. You begin
questioning yourself and your friends’ loyalty. Why can’t they just understand
you?
In reality, your friends and coworkers are just concerned about
you. But you fail to see that because you think everyone’s out to get you.
They’re not.
Next time someone criticizes you or questions your choices; try
counting to three before you respond. Consider the other person’s point of view
before formulating a response. Repeat this to yourself: They’re not out to ruin your job or sabotage your happiness.
Your everyday conversations are filled with white lies. Lots of
them. Your friend asks what you think of her dress, so you say it looks great
on her even if it doesn’t fit her at all. Your partner asks you if it’s okay to
get Chinese food for dinner and you say yes—even if you’re sick of Chinese food.
Afraid of pissing off your friends, you say whatever will make
them happy. Your fear of confrontation and desperate need for acceptance
suppresses your true identity.
If telling the truth scares you, start with something small and
say things in a non-confrontational way, like “I don’t think that shirt suits
you, but maybe this will.”
By beginning your truth with “I think” and ending it with a suggestion “but maybe ___ will,” you emphasize what you’re saying is
just an opinion and not a personal attack. Adding a possible alternative also
softens the blow.
In reality, your friends won’t think too much of what you say. To
them it’s just a simple statement of opinion, not a scathing attack worthy of a
fight. Try it and see for yourself.
How can you tell if a person isn’t confident about themselves?
They say “sorry” too much, even for things that are not their fault.
Apologizing is important but you should reserve it for your
mistakes. And by your mistakes, I’m not referring to when someone bumps into
you, you sneeze, not having a lighter or pen when someone asks for it,
and sending your soup back at the restaurant.
6. You Often Call The Fruits Of Your Labor “Good Luck” or a “Blessing”
What’s your immediate reaction when someone praises your work?
“I
was just lucky”
“It’s
God’s blessing!”
“My
team did all the hard work”
God might have blessed you and your team might have helped
you but you contributed, too. You deserve the credit.
People with low self-esteem don’t
handle compliments well. The
reason for this is twofold.
·
You have a low opinion of yourself,
therefore view anything you could do that’s worthy of praise must’ve been
successful because of somebody else’s doing.
·
You blow your failures out of
proportion to the point that it’s already ingrained in your identity. You often recycle past failures in your head, “I can’t finish what I start”, “I can’t lose
weight no matter how hard I try”, “I’m gonna fail this exam again!”
It’s tough and depressing to live a life like this.
Next time someone praises you, accept it. Don’t think of
whether you deserve it or not—just don’t go there. Immediately say “Thank you”
instead.
And when you fail, think of it as a temporary setback, like
one failed battle in a year long war. Whatever that failure is, it’s nothing
and it’s not part of your identity.
This is the ugly side of having a low self esteem. Because
you don’t feel good about yourself, you make fun of people weaker than you in
an effort to make yourself feel better.
Because you don’t feel confident enough to work alongside
tenured employees at work, you hang around with the newbies. And you bully
them. You belittle them due to their lack of skills or experience at work.
You’re passing off your insecurities to them.
Ask yourself, what do you get out of bullying someone
obviously lower than you in the food chain?
You get nothing! So why bother?
Help them instead. It’ll make you feel better about
yourself, and they’ll look up to you as well. That will boost your self esteem
10 times more than any insult you can throw at them.
Research findings show that positive reinforcements like
repeating, “I am a lovable person” actually made those suffering from low self esteem feel
worse.
Constantly showering someone with attention and praise, when
they already feel bad about themselves won’t work either. It will just make
them feel worse once they see through the superficial compliments.
Confront your emotions instead. I know it sounds unbelievable
but the baby steps described here will teach you how to deal with low self-esteem.
It’ll also arm you with a better sense of reality—what people really think of
you—instead of all the negative assumptions you’ve cooked up in your head.
No more endless comparisons. No more white lies to avoid
conflicts. No more senseless apologies for mistakes you didn’t make.
You can finally feel confident of yourself.
PLEASE feel free to share. Thanks in advance
Photo source: Google
Content source: keepinspiring.me
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